Enabling is as deadly as fentanyl.
I know this not from theory, but from lived experience.
My father nearly loved me to death.
After spending over 10,000 hours in living rooms across the country, working with families impacted by substance use disorder, I’ve learned a difficult truth:
When an addict or alcoholic attempts recovery alone, the family often remains fractured. But when the enabling or codependent parent or spouse commits to their own recovery, supported by firm boundaries and a highly trained family therapist, healing becomes possible—for everyone.
Enabling does not come from malice. It comes from fear, guilt, and love without limits.
Below are two case studies that illustrate how enabling destroys ambition—and how accountability restores it.
-Matt Grace
Case Study 1: Lived Experience
My story is not unique.
My father was my best friend—but he wasn’t my father. He loved me so deeply that his generosity and protection shielded me from consequences I desperately needed.
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He paid others to complete my academic work
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He covered tens of thousands of dollars in debt I created
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He provided unrestricted access to leisure when I should have been working
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He introduced adult behaviors long before I had adult responsibility
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He replaced consequences with rescue—even after a drunk-driving accident
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He used his influence to protect me from losing jobs I didn’t deserve
He did the best he could.
And I loved him deeply.
My recovery began when I accepted two truths at the same time:
He failed me as a child.
And I failed myself as an adult.
When he finally stepped back, I was forced to grow up.
I am sober because I refuse to live as a victim.
I am well because I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started taking responsibility.
Parents: love without boundaries is not love—it is harm.
Children must earn their place in the world to develop ambition, dignity, and self-respect.
Case Study 2: Who Pays the Mortgage?
Fred was 18 years old, living in his parents’ basement.
He did not work.
He did not attend school.
He used substances daily.
Fred was verbally abusive toward his mother, while his father—an accomplished professional—outsourced responsibility to her.
During a call, Fred used an explicit slur toward his mother. What was most alarming was not his language—but how normalized it had become.
In that moment, I set a firm boundary:
“If that language is ever used again, I am done with this case.”
Later, I met privately with Fred’s parents and asked one simple question:
“Who pays the mortgage?”
When they answered that they did, I said:
“Then no one who lives in your home gets to disrespect you—especially someone who contributes nothing.”
The parents stopped rescuing.
They stopped negotiating.
They started holding boundaries.
It took time—but it worked.
Fred eventually moved out, secured stable employment, and built a healthy adult life. He is now engaged to be married.
This is what happens when enabling is replaced with accountability.
Consulting & Family Advocacy
Although I am no longer working one-on-one as a recovery mentor or providing in-person services, I remain deeply committed to helping families navigate addiction and serious mental health challenges with clarity, integrity, and honesty.
What I offer
I provide confidential, one-hour consulting calls for families seeking guidance on next steps. During these calls, I focus on listening—carefully and without agenda. The more context I understand about your situation, the better positioned I am to recommend an appropriate course of action.
Please understand: I can be direct. Addiction and untreated mental illness are matters of life and death, and clarity is essential.
Ethical Standards
It is critical for families to know:
I have never received—and will never receive—commissions, referral fees, or kickbacks from any provider I recommend.
I am not a therapist, physician, or medical professional.
My role is advisory and referral-based, grounded in decades of lived experience and professional exposure.
My sole priority is helping families identify ethical, appropriate, and effective care options—not promoting programs or individuals.
Experience & References
For families seeking additional reassurance, I am happy to provide references.
In one long-term engagement, my former business partner and I were retained by a family for a full calendar year. I spent approximately ten days per month, twelve hours per day, working with their son, who is now 12 years sober.
Families may speak directly with him or with either of his parents.
Professional Network
I maintain a broad network of vetted, ethical professionals and programs across the following areas:
- Intervention
- Psychiatry
- EMDR Therapy
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
- Art Therapy
- Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)
- Medically Assisted Treatment (MAT)
- Sober Living
- Intensive Inpatient Programs (IP)
- Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP)
I also work with attorneys experienced in:
- DUI defense
- Involuntary commitment laws, including the Baker Act in Florida and similar statutes in other states
For families facing serious mental illness rather than addiction alone, referrals may include long-term psychiatric facilities such as Rose Hill Center, a residential treatment center for adults living with severe mental health disorders.
Who This Is For?
This service is designed for families who:
- Feel overwhelmed by conflicting advice
- Want unbiased, ethical guidance
- Value discretion, honesty, and experience
- Need clarity before making high-stakes decisions
Testimonials
Matt’s humble guidance and direction has helped me find a life worth living and a joy in sobriety I thought I’d never find.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this letter on behalf of Mathew Grace, whom I have known since July of 2008. In June of that year I was released from Jail after a four-month sentence for my second DUI. Matt approached me after a men’s stag meeting and asked how I was doing. Though he had not been in my shoes exactly, he assured me that my battle with addiction was not unique. He humbly shared with me that he had found a solution through working the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that would keep me from ever feeling the despair and hopelessness that I felt at that time.
Prior to meeting Matt I had dabbled in AA, attended countless hours of therapy, and had been sent to numerous diversion programs all in hopes of sobering up. Failure with these attempts, in addition to added legal and social consequences, forced me realize I could no longer take on this battle alone. Matt selflessly gave up his time to share his experience, strength, and hope with me— asking nothing in return. When we met outside of a meeting for the first time, he instantly gained my trust and drew willingness out of me that even I didn’t know I had. Here was a guy with three years of sobriety that not only talked my language, but also had battled the same fears, reservations, and failures of getting sober. He spoke with care and understanding when we would meet yet remained adamant on working through the steps quickly. This was not an attempt to rush me, rather a genuine care to see me regain my sanity through a relationship with God, and carry my experience on to another suffering alcoholic.
In addition to helping me work through all 12 steps, Matt simultaneously sponsored several other men in the program. Nine months into my own sobriety Matt started a Big Book Study. I mention this because it was through this meeting that I learned the importance of a solution based program. As the meeting quickly grew, I saw first hand how Matt’s dedication to his own sobriety directly influenced and inspired countless other addicts and alcoholics to recover by working a spiritual program.
My sobriety slipped in 2009 when I moved to Los Angeles. Over the course of four months I had lost everything again. When I told Matt what had happened, he didn’t judge me. He said he understood how powerful addiction is and reminded me that sobriety is a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. Matt was familiar with meetings in Los Angeles and quickly connected me with local groups, many of which I still attend today. He also suggested I get a local sponsor and work the steps again emphasizing faith, prayer, and willingness to change everything. That was January 24th 2010, and I haven’t had a drink or drug since.
To this day Matt and I still talk once or twice a month. Matt has a unique ability in connecting with younger addicts. God spoke through him in a way I was able to understand and trust. I am now 26 years old and have been sober 2 ½ years. In February of 2011 he worked diligently with me to have my driving privileges reinstated after a three-year revocation of my license. Furthermore, his work with Maple Grove was influential in my decision to work with hospitals and institutions in the Los Angeles area specializing in alcoholism and addiction. Matt’s humble guidance and direction has helped me find a life worth living and a joy in sobriety I thought I’d never find.
Sincerely,
JD
I couldn’t more highly recommend Matt to anyone who needs help through the difficult path to sobriety. He has a gift in reaching people and I am confident he will be able to help anyone who is looking to become sober.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing this letter of recommendation for Matt Grace who worked as a sober coach for a close family member who had been struggling with addiction issues.
At the time I met Matt, my family member had just entered a program to deal with this terrible problem. Having a close family member who was battling addition for several years, I had become familiar with many of the approaches commonly used to combat this problem.
My first encounter with Matt was in December of 2013 in a purely social setting where he joined his
father and step-mother at a dinner party at my home. During that evening Matt told me about his
behavioral health practice specializing in helping high profile families with substance abuse issues. Matt explained to me his personalized approach to recovery which appeared to be different than the typical “cookie cutter” approaches most often used.
I arranged for Matt and his partner Jamie Loffredo to meet with my family member, and we all agreed
that it would be a good idea to hire Matt as his sober coach. This was to be a twelve month commitment with Matt to spend ten days per month with my family member, mentoring him, teaching him how to approach his recovery, and helping him to be more accountable for his actions. Over the past year I have seen a complete transformation in my family member and believe that Matt was in great part responsible for actually saving his life. My family member just celebrated one year of
sobriety, and I am confident for the first time that he has actually gained sustainable control over his life. While no addict can recover without putting in enormous effort of his own, there is no doubt that
Matt played a very large part in his recovery.
Addiction is an enormously challenging problem, especially for family members who have no experience in this area. Our decision to hire Matt was clearly the right one and I and my entire family are extremely grateful for the help Matt provided. I couldn’t more highly recommend Matt to anyone who needs help through the difficult path to sobriety. He has a gift in reaching people and I am confident he will be able to help anyone who is looking to become sober.
If you would like to discuss this in further detail, please feel free to call me.
Yours truly,
JMJ
Having seen Matt work with others, has cemented my understanding, that if someone is lost in their addiction, he can be an invaluable resource for sobriety.
I first met Matt on January 2013.
My sister arranged the meeting through his work with Love First.
I was 49, soon to be divorced, father to three young children, and completely lost. An abusive childhood coupled with ADHD was followed by 29 years of alcohol abuse. In my later years, two stays of inpatient rehabs failed to produce lasting sobriety.
In what could be called a rudderless, broken and confused state, is an accurate depiction of my condition, on the day I met Matt.
My recollection then as is now, is that an Arctic BLAST of clarity, willingness and importantly, a glimmer of hope hit me.
Extreme candor, honesty and fact based knowledge came fast, and his (relentless) passion left me little “wiggle room” to not take my sobriety seriously.
Within days I was living in a sober house, attending daily AA meetings and attending a weekly Men’s group that he ran.
Matt also worked with an EMDR therapist, whose methods was unknown to me at the time, but was instrumental in my not having a single urge to drink in 13 years. All of this activity was under Matt’s supervision.
Having seen Matt work with others, has cemented my understanding, that if someone is lost in their addiction, he can be an invaluable resource for sobriety.
Sincerely,
FG
If you are seeking thoughtful guidance, ethical referrals, and a clear perspective during a critical moment, you may schedule a one-hour consulting call.
My role is not to manage your family—but to help you make informed decisions with confidence and integrity.
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